Category: Blog

If your significant other asks you to do something and it doesn’t require money, moving mountains, disappointing someone, hurting you in anyway or resulting in a bad outcome why hesitate? Why put up walls and refuse to do it? Is it that you’re trying to push that person away? Is it that you’re trying to start an argument or tension within your household or relationship? Perhaps you don’t deserve to have someone in your life that thinks that much of you to want to include you in their intimate space, their memorable moments or life period.

Don’t you know the mere fact that he or she asks you to do something or participate in an activity with them is because they chose you? Could it be that you’re not educated enough in the relationship to know it’s intimacy and quality time they are wanting?

Ex. 1
Decorating the Christmas tree. She wants Christmas to be special so she wants him to help decorate the Christmas tree with her. She sees this as a joint project. She sees it as laughter, fun times….memories they can cherish for years to come. It’ll be their first. She sees it as togetherness, bringing them closer together. She sees it as bonding and remembering how much in love they truly are. It’s an inside activity that costs nothing. It only requires time, effort and commitment to each other and the project.

What happens?
He refuses. He doesn’t want to put up the tree she has owned for two years. So she gives it away. She’s then given a tree and brings it home but yet he criticizes it because it’s considered a “Charlie Brown” tree to him. It’s not big enough or full enough. That’s what he says to her. After her entire body and choice words suggests that she is upset and has become frustrated and angry, he eventually gives in to the tree. When she asks for his opinion on the color theme, choosing from the colors she already has he doesn’t like any of them. When it’s time to decorate the tree and she asks for his help, he stands there and watches her do it and says “I want you to do it. I don’t want to.”

The problem: She feels alone. She feels this isn’t the ideal relationship or interactions held between two people in love around the holidays. This isn’t the traditional way. This is how she was raised and used to decorating for the holidays growing up. She feels sad, hurt and disappointed.

Why: Because the things she asks for are small and means so much to her, he shows no interest in or shows no effort to participate in which would make her heart joyous, put a smile on her face and provide her with memories she can cherish for years to come. He completely ignores and refuses. This type of behavior causes tension and a divide. The divide happens when one partner is seeking attention that only one can provide by doing things asked of them as a couple that ordinarily couples would do and the other not wanting to or acknowledging the fact that this is an activity that would strengthen the relationship.

Ex. 2

She asks for a full body massage from him. He tells her he will give her one in a few hours. A few hours have arrived and he says I’ll give you one tomorrow. Tomorrow comes, next week comes and another week. She says something to him again and still nothing.

She works two jobs, she cleans the house, she has a commute to and from work each day. She has pulls from every direction and she is tired. She’s mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. She wants to relax and be pampered. There’s no extra funds for a professional massage so she asks her man. She doesn’t know nor understand why he doesn’t think that much of what’s going on in her life to show the attention and affection that she is asking for. It costs him nothing. It only requires his time, energy, effort and commitment.

They could be watching tv together and she will massage his temple, his neck, his hands, his arms, back, etc. He doesn’t ask for it but she gives it because she understands how hard he works, how much he needs to relax and let go of tension. She only wants him comfortable. She wants him to know she’s there, she cares, she loves him and is into pleasing him even when he doesn’t ask her. Isn’t she worth being viewed as such too? Doesn’t she deserve a massage from her man especially if she asks for it because she feels as though she needs it and it would help ease her?

This is a want that clearly the woman is telling the man she needs. This is a want that clearly the man is over looking and refusing to give his lady.

What’s happening here?
A divide. Resentment. Room for thoughts of someone else fulfilling the job that’s obviously not getting nurtured properly.

Key takeaway: don’t allow your partner to feel as though they are alone when you can be present. Don’t neglect your partner. Listen to their wants. Fulfill there needs. Don’t allow room for others to occupy your space. If you don’t want the divide and doors to open for other people be sure to give thought to your no’s before given them out so easily to the one you love and sharing space with. Bridge the gap, don’t allow things to continue in this direction only to realize your presence is no longer needed or wanted. When you start to notice things aren’t right, chances are they’re not. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself. Stop it before it starts.

Side note: this can be for a man or a woman. Women when your man asks you for something don’t be quick to say no or become hesitant. The same principles applies to other scenarios as well.

Codependency is triggered through relationships with people who have serious illnesses, behavior problems or destructive compulsive disorders.

These are relationships with troubled, needy, or dependent people.

Q: What does the troubled, needy, or dependent person do?

A: They prey on the weaknesses and strengths of others

            1. weaknesses

                        -a person’s weaknesses are seen by others because it’s what’s familiar to them. They recognize it and gravitate towards it because it serves their purpose.

            2. strengths

                        -a person’s strengths are like magnets to such people because it makes them feel good about themselves and their situation. It keeps them in the self-sabotage and self-gratifying position they’re in. They leech on, suck the life out of their prey so they can feel important, worthy, and deserving of special treatment even when they’ve done nothing to warrant your services.

                                    Services- your time, help, attention, and all of yourself

Definition: A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

Q: Does this sound like you?

Onset of Codependency is usually developed within your immediate family, during childhood, that sets the pace for relationships.

                        -Robert Subby said it best. An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops because of an individuals prolonged exposure to and the practice of a set of oppressive rules that prevent open expression of feelings and direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.

                                    Example of what that looks like:

Internalizing- preventing you from addressing the situation at hand

Being silent because you don’t understand something or how to fix it

Avoiding confronting what bothers you and how it’s affecting you out of fear it may cause more problems

Justifying why not to seek professional help to become better.

Q: What happens when a codependent finds themselves in such a situation?

A: They will experience the 5 stages of grief.

What are the 5 Stages of Grief?

1. Shock
2. Anger
3. Retaliation
4. Bargaining
5. Acceptance

Remember– not everyone will experience all five stages and not everyone will experience them in the same order

Let’s Explore

Q: Are You Codependent?

1. Are you impulsive to wanting to solve other people’s problems only to find yourself drained, stressed and angry but stay anyway hoping it will get better because you know you can change a person and help them see they are destroying themselves and hurting others around them?
2. Do you attract the same kinds of people over and over again?
3. Do you feel obligated to help others change, heal mentally, emotionally, and overcome addiction?
4. Do you feel out of control, find yourself angry a lot, feel regret or resentful towards someone, become spiteful, have an “I don’t care anymore” attitude, “what about me, my wants, my needs” view, feel lost with little to no hope?

If you answered YES to any or all 3, chances are you are CODEPENDENT.

Solution

                        -Identify the moment you are in it

                        -Step away from the situation, person, or problem

                        -Seek professional help or a trusting friend to talk through the situation

                        -Reclaim your life, Rebuild YOU.

Key Takeaways

Identifying the problem helps determine the solution.

                                                -Feeling better + Recovery

Codependency is a normal reaction to abnormal people

Codependency is a chronic progressive illness

Habits don’t require thinking

Dependent people manipulate and use their capabilities to serve a purpose specifically for them not you

Codependency makes you sick and it can help the people or person around you STAY sick.

WHY?

Simple. YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED to help them through their situation. Only they will change if they want to no matter how much you want to help the narrative along. You’ll be fighting a vicious battle that serves one purpose, recycling itself.

To find out more order a copy of “Codependent No More” How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

Q&A Sessions Available– R3coachingelevated@yahoo.com or visit our service page for more information.

It’s truly sad when a man loves a woman, or a woman loves a man and those feelings aren’t returned.

Its effects are detrimental to the establishment and institution of healthy relationships and marriages.

The problem starts in early adulthood. It takes root like a prickly thorn in your side never attempted to be removed because the pain is too great and if given attention forces you to acknowledge hard truths about yourself.

Pressing forward to the next as a coping mechanism. Not understanding that the good time, fun, excitement is a temporary fix to disguise what’s underneath. Only adding to the low self-esteem, lack of self worth, insecurities and all other negative reflections of self.

Pain, anger, rage, retaliation, and humiliation are just a few discrepancies in your emotional pool. Not wanting to take the time to seek help, talk through how something affects you, and allowing TIME to heal.

Outside influences are what you leech onto. They cause more harm than good because gravitating to them makes you feel good. They help you stay in the place you’re in by hindering your progress. Your actions are justified. They praise the wrong doing. They boost your ego.

We want a quick fix. We don’t want to feel emotion which makes us uncomfortable. If we could only embrace the uncomfortable pits within ourselves to get to a destination which is comfortable, we will understand the healing process, what it looks like and what it involves from us.

Instead, we let negative emotions fester and grow like a disease. It takes root and causes impulsive behaviors and others to get a rise out of us. Over time causing damage to ourselves and others. We cover up the problems. We don’t handle situations or people properly providing fuel to the cycle to repeat. When the cycle isn’t broken, it continues and causes a whirlwind of events which has a ripple effect into the lives of others because of your inability to see clearly and think straight.

The time to heal is now. Your destination doesn’t require nor include others. It’s a journey you must take alone. It’s a journey you must be serious about. It’s a journey you must embrace wholeheartedly, mind, body and spirit.

You’ll never learn how to cope, become healthy or heal if you constantly feel others owe you an apology, need to be the center of attention, think you don’t have to take accountability or responsibility for your actions, feel like your silence hurts others. What it shows is that you are weak, unstable, inconsiderate, gaslighting, incapable of functioning in the here and now.

Tips:
Break free from past traumas
Pray and put things in perspective
Apologize to as many people as you need to feel good about yourself and the situation
Make changes that you and others can be proud of
Turn away from old habits

Ever wonder if life is passing you by?

Ever wonder if your current situation is all there is?

Ever wonder if you’re just wasting time?

Ever wonder if sitting idle is doing you justice and will serve a purpose later on?

Many times, we think something is forever when forever isn’t lasting long these days…..

Jazmine Sullivan said it best.

Giving yourself completely to another when it doesn’t seem good enough

Being more for someone than you are for yourself just isn’t fair

Choose today to choose you over anything else.

Is it true that nothing lasts forever?

That’s a question only you can answer.

Betty Wright says it best.

No pain, No gain

You have to go through some stuff to gain some stuff

You have to give some stuff to earn some stuff

But who says that stuff will last forever?

Could it be lessons learned to help you grow?

Could it mean you truly have to let it go?

Only you know the answer.

Any situation you are currently in

Any problem you are struggling with

Any issue you are experiencing

Any person you are dealing with

Any battles you are trying to cross

Any questions you need answers to

Remind yourself “forever doesn’t last too long these days”

Denial is declaring something to be untrue and refusing to believe the obvious.

Refusal to admit the truth or reality of something that we can see, hear, feel.

A conscious decision to refuse to believe painful situations exist.

Escaping unbearable feelings and thoughts associated with what’s real.

Resisting the process to see what is and what isn’t in our mind no matter how foggy our minds may be.

I urge you; I INSIST that you….

Stand up for yourself. Take your life back. Say no more foolishness and uncertainty. Enough Is Enough.

There are 3 types of denial:

Simple Denial– something is happening but refuses to see the obvious.

Dummy Downing Denial– acknowledging a situation but refusing to see the seriousness in it.

Shifting Denial– accepting the problem and its seriousness but blaming someone else for the emotions you feel from it.

How to deal with denial:

1. Take a step back to see a situation for what it is.

2. Talk to a professional or someone trustworthy that will be real and raw with you and help you recognize the difference between fact vs false hope.

3. Go in silence to process and gain insight and a new perspective.

4. Allow yourself to feel every emotion that’s come your way.

5. Be honest with yourself and others and accept the outcome.

Releasing the past to make way for the future means embracing being uncomfortable to become comfortable.

It means letting go of people that served a purpose but no longer do.

It means changing old habits to get a different result.

It means setting boundaries.

It means saying no.

It means hard decisions.

It means others will get upset, mad or angry because you are choosing to do something different.

It means ridicule.

It means persuasion.

It means stepping back to allow perspective and clarity to set in.

It means being silent so you can be spoken to.

It means thinking for yourself.

It means emotional balance.

It means healing.

It means acceptance.

It means recharging, resetting and regaining control.

It means acknowledging.

It means forgiveness.

It means self-purging to protect your mental state.

It means recognizing the importance of substance and letting go of what’s not.

It means shielding yourself from outside influences and negative charged magnets.

It means rest. It means peace. It means being alone until you’re ready to include others.

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Romance is a feeling of love for, or a strong attraction towards another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions.

Romantic gestures come in different forms and at different stages in relationships. It’s not a one size fits all. What looks like romance to one may not to another. Romance is not only an act of love it’s often viewed as a measure of one’s love. It’s an attraction, excitement and “woo” for a person and the relationship. Usually felt when you are in love with someone. Though not to be confused, love is commitment, affection, and devotion. Romance is superficial. If both are present the relationship will flourish.

Being romantic means surprises, affection, giving of time, listening, gift giving, expressing yourself, being thoughtful, etc. Romance is acts of kindness, quality time, in public and behind closed doors, words of affirmation, and shown in touch. It’s all five love languages and doing things that makes someone happy.

Why do we romance and love romance? It’s the possibility of what can become of the relationship and the illustration of what an individual or both wants it to be. It’s the feeling of happiness and pure satisfaction. With happiness comes less stress, peace, security, stability, comfort, trust, joy, and an adrenaline rush. For some it can be unmeasurable, and unexplainable.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I hear, he isn’t romantic, or she doesn’t like the romantic stuff I do for her or that I’d like to do romantic things, but he/she doesn’t allow me the chance to do it how I want and when I want. I also hear they show it, but it’s overlooked making a person say, “why bother”. To that I say, stop forcing or rushing it. Stop internalizing and sit down and have a conversation.

It’s my belief that everyone possesses a romantic side. However, it’s shown usually to the person they feel is worthy. Being in a relationship for years and not being shown romance, feeling romantic gestures signifies you may be in the wrong relationship. Please understand not everyone will be in a relationship with the one they are intended to be with.

Romancing your significant other is a part of dating, courting. It is still present in engagements, marriages and marriages that have been for years. Romance doesn’t stop just because you have conquered the prize; him or her. It’s saying without words, I’m just as much into you now then I was the first day I laid eyes on you.

Romance + Love is having an eagerness to care, protect, respect, an urgency to want to do life with, shielding one from harm, striving to be all they can be for another is appreciation, affection, and admiration at its peak. This is when a person lets down their guard to profess their love and devotion to another. It’s effortlessly executed. It will not be one-sided but rather both will focus on bringing peace, enjoyment, and fulfillment to each other. And in turn, the relationship will be mind-blowing!

Key Take Away:

Understanding your love language and the love language of your partner

People show their love for you based on their love language, not necessarily yours

Understanding your partners love language will serve you an advantage to having, bringing back and keeping the romance alive in your relationship

It may take some longer than others to show affection but if love is present and the value is seen it will be shown, effortlessly

Romance and love together can be monumental

#R3coachingelevated #coaching #coachingelevated #empower #growth #inspiraton #motivation #realstories #experience #acknowledge #accept #regaincontrol #real #raw #relatable #chooseyou #change #changeisconstant #mindset #patiences #results #selfcontrol #confidence #selflove #love #lovewins #vibes #peace #positiveenergy #forgiveness #anewway #beuncomfortabletobecomfortable #itsupfromhere #relationships #individualgrowth #Godfirst

Yes, I know when we see something we want to say something. I’m here to tell you that in some cases this will end your friendships in the blink of an eye.

It’s almost instinctively to let a friend know if someone is doing them wrong. You think that you are saving them from a headache or a heartache. Truly I say to you, it does look and seem that way if the intentions are pure but majority of the time it is not perceived as such.

You feel you are obligated to them. You feel you are being disloyal if you don’t tell them what they don’t know. You feel if they find out you knew and didn’t tell them that they would question your friendship, trust, and loyalty. I’m telling you that they gone question your position either way if you choose to tell them or not.

Everything in you wants to shield them. You don’t want them treated badly. But it’s imperative that you stay in your lane and mind your business. The reason being is because it usually doesn’t turn out the way it’s intended to. Although, intentions are good, people usually stay together because they are not ready to deal with the situation, they aren’t strong enough to leave or their situation isn’t set up for them to easily escape, they aren’t confident enough and do not know their worth. So, to avoid losing a friend, being rumored that you’re jealous, envious of what they have, coming in between their relationship or marriage, you full of drama and more when all you’re doing is “sometimes” truly helping a friend avoid heartache, it’s best to leave it alone and mind yours. They question your intentions and motives.

What do you do with the knowledge you have?

Simple.

*Process it because you can’t unsee something you have seen. You can’t unhear what you’ve heard.

*Don’t give your two cents, just walk away. Digest it. Pray about it and for them.

*Let it go. Keep it moving. Understand its not your problem. Let people deal with their own problems unless your advice, suggestions or opinions are asked for. AND even then, you can still choose to mind your business for the sake of keeping friendships, tension down and unwarranted stress out of your life.

Don’t make your life more complicated than it already is or have to be by adding someone else’s problems to yours. Simplicity is the way to go.