Author: r3coachingelevated

Today I witnessed your dream come alive. Today your words “I have a dream that one day little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers” came true. They rang loud at Red Hill’s MLK Community Breakfast. The community of black and brown, white and all creed came together under one roof to celebrate you. Amazing breakfast, fantastic singing, phenomenal speakers, and excellent introductions at Red Hill. I can’t help but think, you would be proud!

I salute.

Each month will be a different topic of discussion.
Topics will be announced next week, along with schedule and registration information.
Start your New Year 🎉 in Pursuit of Happiness! 😊

I read a lot of posts and see a lot of pictures with the caption “know your worth” as if they really know. I throw no shade for those that do know their worth and commands respect. I’m high five’n the ones that honestly do. When a lady knows her worth, she doesn’t try to convince others of it, they know. She doesn’t have to brag about the positives, they see. She doesn’t have to be loud because she’s seen even more when she’s silent. She doesn’t have to explain anything because it’s already understood. She doesn’t have to draw attention to herself because she’s already recognized. She doesn’t have to demand it because it’s respected and comes automatic.

I ask women do you know the difference between being a woman vs a lady? If uncertain, here are a few differences to think about. A woman is merely a female adult. A lady is polite and respectful. There is a difference because not all women are polite and respectful to others or herself.  A lady is gentle, has a place in social society, noble, courteous, and is a wife (maybe not currently but will be). She takes care of her health; her appearance is regal. She doesn’t speak to tear down, instead she uplifts, her personality is sought after, her presence is felt in a room full of people, she commands attention simply by being present, and the mention of her name is intriguing to all who hear it. She’s tapped into her femininity and loves being a lady. She’s full of wisdom. She is submissive. She is considerate, passionate, a helper, and supporter. She loves God and answers to Him and her husband. She respects her husband because he respects God and treats her like his own body. She works tirelessly and doesn’t complain. Her dress covers her body, she’s careful not to reveal her temple and doesn’t take delight in flaunting for all to see and gawk over. Her hair is neatly tamed, her makeup is of a natural essence and her smell is pleasant. She is an inspiration, pure at heart, and has a genuine soul. She is appreciative and doesn’t mind giving thanks.

A woman is usually loud, disrespectful, and obnoxious. She feels the need to speak about everything and takes delight in having the last word as if she has proved a point. She is defensive. She reserves the right to explain herself even when it’s not warranted. She feels entitled, and has expectations which are most of the time too high. So high that even she misses the mark with upholding them herself. She’s not submissive; holding on to her independence even if it costs her everything. She wants a say in everything, she doesn’t know how to speak to others and despise a man that tries to correct her. A woman wants to lead and not follow. She is very emotional and sensitive. She is condescending and enjoys negative talk. She seeks the approval of others and needs to be validated constantly. She has low self-esteem, lacks self-respect, unstable, and is needy.

I can go on and on, but I’ll stop here. Let me put in a disclaimer that I’m not at all talking about every woman because there are some good ones learning and improving to become a lady. It is possible with consistent work and perseverance. Knowing your worth is great but knowing your worth and not broadcasting it is even better. A lady doesn’t have to convince others or try to make it believable. Your value should never decrease no matter the circumstance. Meaning don’t take jabs because you can, don’t fall into temptation because you can, don’t exercise your God given right to use the power of your words to hurt others, don’t be mean because it only makes you look ugly even if you are not. Be kind and increase in value by improving your life and upgrading your character to one that is noble and respected.

Don’t shoot the messenger, I’m only trying to help.

p.s. Happy New Year!  

If your significant other asks you to do something and it doesn’t require money, moving mountains, disappointing someone, hurting you in anyway or resulting in a bad outcome why hesitate? Why put up walls and refuse to do it? Is it that you’re trying to push that person away? Is it that you’re trying to start an argument or tension within your household or relationship? Perhaps you don’t deserve to have someone in your life that thinks that much of you to want to include you in their intimate space, their memorable moments or life period.

Don’t you know the mere fact that he or she asks you to do something or participate in an activity with them is because they chose you? Could it be that you’re not educated enough in the relationship to know it’s intimacy and quality time they are wanting?

Ex. 1
Decorating the Christmas tree. She wants Christmas to be special so she wants him to help decorate the Christmas tree with her. She sees this as a joint project. She sees it as laughter, fun times….memories they can cherish for years to come. It’ll be their first. She sees it as togetherness, bringing them closer together. She sees it as bonding and remembering how much in love they truly are. It’s an inside activity that costs nothing. It only requires time, effort and commitment to each other and the project.

What happens?
He refuses. He doesn’t want to put up the tree she has owned for two years. So she gives it away. She’s then given a tree and brings it home but yet he criticizes it because it’s considered a “Charlie Brown” tree to him. It’s not big enough or full enough. That’s what he says to her. After her entire body and choice words suggests that she is upset and has become frustrated and angry, he eventually gives in to the tree. When she asks for his opinion on the color theme, choosing from the colors she already has he doesn’t like any of them. When it’s time to decorate the tree and she asks for his help, he stands there and watches her do it and says “I want you to do it. I don’t want to.”

The problem: She feels alone. She feels this isn’t the ideal relationship or interactions held between two people in love around the holidays. This isn’t the traditional way. This is how she was raised and used to decorating for the holidays growing up. She feels sad, hurt and disappointed.

Why: Because the things she asks for are small and means so much to her, he shows no interest in or shows no effort to participate in which would make her heart joyous, put a smile on her face and provide her with memories she can cherish for years to come. He completely ignores and refuses. This type of behavior causes tension and a divide. The divide happens when one partner is seeking attention that only one can provide by doing things asked of them as a couple that ordinarily couples would do and the other not wanting to or acknowledging the fact that this is an activity that would strengthen the relationship.

Ex. 2

She asks for a full body massage from him. He tells her he will give her one in a few hours. A few hours have arrived and he says I’ll give you one tomorrow. Tomorrow comes, next week comes and another week. She says something to him again and still nothing.

She works two jobs, she cleans the house, she has a commute to and from work each day. She has pulls from every direction and she is tired. She’s mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. She wants to relax and be pampered. There’s no extra funds for a professional massage so she asks her man. She doesn’t know nor understand why he doesn’t think that much of what’s going on in her life to show the attention and affection that she is asking for. It costs him nothing. It only requires his time, energy, effort and commitment.

They could be watching tv together and she will massage his temple, his neck, his hands, his arms, back, etc. He doesn’t ask for it but she gives it because she understands how hard he works, how much he needs to relax and let go of tension. She only wants him comfortable. She wants him to know she’s there, she cares, she loves him and is into pleasing him even when he doesn’t ask her. Isn’t she worth being viewed as such too? Doesn’t she deserve a massage from her man especially if she asks for it because she feels as though she needs it and it would help ease her?

This is a want that clearly the woman is telling the man she needs. This is a want that clearly the man is over looking and refusing to give his lady.

What’s happening here?
A divide. Resentment. Room for thoughts of someone else fulfilling the job that’s obviously not getting nurtured properly.

Key takeaway: don’t allow your partner to feel as though they are alone when you can be present. Don’t neglect your partner. Listen to their wants. Fulfill there needs. Don’t allow room for others to occupy your space. If you don’t want the divide and doors to open for other people be sure to give thought to your no’s before given them out so easily to the one you love and sharing space with. Bridge the gap, don’t allow things to continue in this direction only to realize your presence is no longer needed or wanted. When you start to notice things aren’t right, chances are they’re not. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself. Stop it before it starts.

Side note: this can be for a man or a woman. Women when your man asks you for something don’t be quick to say no or become hesitant. The same principles applies to other scenarios as well.

Codependency is triggered through relationships with people who have serious illnesses, behavior problems or destructive compulsive disorders.

These are relationships with troubled, needy, or dependent people.

Q: What does the troubled, needy, or dependent person do?

A: They prey on the weaknesses and strengths of others

            1. weaknesses

                        -a person’s weaknesses are seen by others because it’s what’s familiar to them. They recognize it and gravitate towards it because it serves their purpose.

            2. strengths

                        -a person’s strengths are like magnets to such people because it makes them feel good about themselves and their situation. It keeps them in the self-sabotage and self-gratifying position they’re in. They leech on, suck the life out of their prey so they can feel important, worthy, and deserving of special treatment even when they’ve done nothing to warrant your services.

                                    Services- your time, help, attention, and all of yourself

Definition: A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

Q: Does this sound like you?

Onset of Codependency is usually developed within your immediate family, during childhood, that sets the pace for relationships.

                        -Robert Subby said it best. An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops because of an individuals prolonged exposure to and the practice of a set of oppressive rules that prevent open expression of feelings and direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.

                                    Example of what that looks like:

Internalizing- preventing you from addressing the situation at hand

Being silent because you don’t understand something or how to fix it

Avoiding confronting what bothers you and how it’s affecting you out of fear it may cause more problems

Justifying why not to seek professional help to become better.

Q: What happens when a codependent finds themselves in such a situation?

A: They will experience the 5 stages of grief.

What are the 5 Stages of Grief?

1. Shock
2. Anger
3. Retaliation
4. Bargaining
5. Acceptance

Remember– not everyone will experience all five stages and not everyone will experience them in the same order

Let’s Explore

Q: Are You Codependent?

1. Are you impulsive to wanting to solve other people’s problems only to find yourself drained, stressed and angry but stay anyway hoping it will get better because you know you can change a person and help them see they are destroying themselves and hurting others around them?
2. Do you attract the same kinds of people over and over again?
3. Do you feel obligated to help others change, heal mentally, emotionally, and overcome addiction?
4. Do you feel out of control, find yourself angry a lot, feel regret or resentful towards someone, become spiteful, have an “I don’t care anymore” attitude, “what about me, my wants, my needs” view, feel lost with little to no hope?

If you answered YES to any or all 3, chances are you are CODEPENDENT.

Solution

                        -Identify the moment you are in it

                        -Step away from the situation, person, or problem

                        -Seek professional help or a trusting friend to talk through the situation

                        -Reclaim your life, Rebuild YOU.

Key Takeaways

Identifying the problem helps determine the solution.

                                                -Feeling better + Recovery

Codependency is a normal reaction to abnormal people

Codependency is a chronic progressive illness

Habits don’t require thinking

Dependent people manipulate and use their capabilities to serve a purpose specifically for them not you

Codependency makes you sick and it can help the people or person around you STAY sick.

WHY?

Simple. YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED to help them through their situation. Only they will change if they want to no matter how much you want to help the narrative along. You’ll be fighting a vicious battle that serves one purpose, recycling itself.

To find out more order a copy of “Codependent No More” How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

Q&A Sessions Available– R3coachingelevated@yahoo.com or visit our service page for more information.

It’s truly sad when a man loves a woman, or a woman loves a man and those feelings aren’t returned.

Its effects are detrimental to the establishment and institution of healthy relationships and marriages.

The problem starts in early adulthood. It takes root like a prickly thorn in your side never attempted to be removed because the pain is too great and if given attention forces you to acknowledge hard truths about yourself.

Pressing forward to the next as a coping mechanism. Not understanding that the good time, fun, excitement is a temporary fix to disguise what’s underneath. Only adding to the low self-esteem, lack of self worth, insecurities and all other negative reflections of self.

Pain, anger, rage, retaliation, and humiliation are just a few discrepancies in your emotional pool. Not wanting to take the time to seek help, talk through how something affects you, and allowing TIME to heal.

Outside influences are what you leech onto. They cause more harm than good because gravitating to them makes you feel good. They help you stay in the place you’re in by hindering your progress. Your actions are justified. They praise the wrong doing. They boost your ego.

We want a quick fix. We don’t want to feel emotion which makes us uncomfortable. If we could only embrace the uncomfortable pits within ourselves to get to a destination which is comfortable, we will understand the healing process, what it looks like and what it involves from us.

Instead, we let negative emotions fester and grow like a disease. It takes root and causes impulsive behaviors and others to get a rise out of us. Over time causing damage to ourselves and others. We cover up the problems. We don’t handle situations or people properly providing fuel to the cycle to repeat. When the cycle isn’t broken, it continues and causes a whirlwind of events which has a ripple effect into the lives of others because of your inability to see clearly and think straight.

The time to heal is now. Your destination doesn’t require nor include others. It’s a journey you must take alone. It’s a journey you must be serious about. It’s a journey you must embrace wholeheartedly, mind, body and spirit.

You’ll never learn how to cope, become healthy or heal if you constantly feel others owe you an apology, need to be the center of attention, think you don’t have to take accountability or responsibility for your actions, feel like your silence hurts others. What it shows is that you are weak, unstable, inconsiderate, gaslighting, incapable of functioning in the here and now.

Tips:
Break free from past traumas
Pray and put things in perspective
Apologize to as many people as you need to feel good about yourself and the situation
Make changes that you and others can be proud of
Turn away from old habits

Ever wonder if life is passing you by?

Ever wonder if your current situation is all there is?

Ever wonder if you’re just wasting time?

Ever wonder if sitting idle is doing you justice and will serve a purpose later on?

Many times, we think something is forever when forever isn’t lasting long these days…..

Jazmine Sullivan said it best.

Giving yourself completely to another when it doesn’t seem good enough

Being more for someone than you are for yourself just isn’t fair

Choose today to choose you over anything else.

Is it true that nothing lasts forever?

That’s a question only you can answer.

Betty Wright says it best.

No pain, No gain

You have to go through some stuff to gain some stuff

You have to give some stuff to earn some stuff

But who says that stuff will last forever?

Could it be lessons learned to help you grow?

Could it mean you truly have to let it go?

Only you know the answer.

Any situation you are currently in

Any problem you are struggling with

Any issue you are experiencing

Any person you are dealing with

Any battles you are trying to cross

Any questions you need answers to

Remind yourself “forever doesn’t last too long these days”