Marriage is hard. Going into marriage, it’s common for each person to carry their own perspective of what they believe are realistic expectations. But expectations are simply your expectations if the other person doesn’t know anything about them.
Realistic expectations are qualities, skills, and goals that are attainable not only by others, but most importantly by yourself. You cannot place expectations on someone else that you are not capable of meeting yourself. You also cannot say something is acceptable or desired, and then resent the person for acting on what you told them was okay.
Unrealistic expectations are standards we place on someone else that we ourselves cannot obtain. Often, even the people in our closest circles have not achieved those standards either. Sometimes that’s due to a lack of resources, education, opportunity, or geographic location. Other times it may simply be because those expectations are not aligned with their personal beliefs, culture, or life path. And in some cases, it may be because the person you’re placing those expectations on simply does not agree with them.
Marriage is a union between two people working together toward a common goal. It is not claiming to be united while living and operating independently.
Marriage is not telling someone they have no career path simply because they don’t have a job with benefits like healthcare, a 401(k), or a pension, or because they don’t earn a certain salary. A career is built over time through the work someone has done, the field they have operated in, the education or training they pursued, and the passion that drives them. A career is often connected to what excites someone and what allows them to experience purpose and fulfillment in life.
Marriage is about loving one another not comparing one another.
It’s about supporting each other and recognizing the effort both partners contribute. It’s seeing beyond material differences and looking past the tangible things.
Marriage is not assuming the other person is always looking for ways to take rather than give. It’s not doing more for others than you do for your own spouse. It’s not leaving your partner to defend themselves and figure out life or their livelihood alone.
Marriage is not watching your partner struggle when you have the ability to help.
It’s not closing off your heart and refusing to communicate. It’s not chasing dreams without bringing your spouse along. It’s not making major decisions without discussing them together first.
Those actions reflect willful independence, not partnership.
Marriage is an institution many people desire, yet few truly understand the depth and responsibility of its many moving parts. Marriage is not a game.
Marriage requires fighting for the relationship.
It’s not walking away because things become difficult. It’s not saying “I wanted you then, but I wanted to wait,” and it’s certainly not saying “I’m in it, but I don’t really want it.”
Perhaps we should normalize figuring out who we are and what we truly want before placing the weight of that responsibility on someone else. It is not their job to help us discover ourselves.
That work belongs to us.
Marriage, in many ways, is everything that marriages today often are not.
-Takisha F. Shelton
Coaching Elevated 
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