When a person lacks emotional availability, affection, warmth, attunement, intentional intimacy, desire, pursuit, validation, emotional safety, and reciprocity. There will be tension in any relationship.
Why?
They are emotionally distant, disengaged, and not attuned to your inner self. They lack physical touch, tenderness, and reassurance. They fail to notice you, your appearance, your efforts, your milestones, and your needs. Sex becomes a chore without foreplay, passion, or connection, making it feel transactional rather than bonding. There’s no active pursuit of you, which is essential for developing intimacy. When they give compliments, it’s often only after you’ve said something, so they don’t feel like genuine expressions of desire. They just react. We also can’t forget the joking, coldness, dismissiveness, or ignoring, which further creates distance and insecurity. A simple touch matters, and affection and connection do too, but if it’s not reciprocated, that love begins to feel empty.
If what I described is something you’re experiencing, it’s important to understand the patterns because they often point to a person’s emotional immaturity, avoidant attachment, low emotional intelligence, sexual disengagement, relational complacency, and unresolved internal issues such as stress, resentment, shame, depression, addiction, identity confusion, and much more.
The person receiving this kind of behavior may start to question their worth, crave attention, passion, and connection outside the relationship, and become emotionally vulnerable to outside validation. All are valid, but I place more emphasis on the last part because that is a strong warning sign, not a failure on the person who is thinking and feeling it.
So, here’s the thing: if this sounds like you, you’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for the basics, especially for married people. Affection, desire, attention, passion, and presence. These are foundational. You’re not crazy, you’re responding to being unseen and neglected, avoided and possibly incompatible.
If this is you, you may be wondering how to address this. Well, I’m glad you asked before your heart drifts elsewhere or resentment deepens. There needs to be a direct, serious, non-joking conversation that takes place. A clear, straight-to-the-point conversation about how it is affecting you emotionally and spiritually, and your boundaries around what you will and will not continue to accept. Pay close attention to how they respond. Do they respond with willingness to self-reflect on their behaviors, actions, and your feelings, or are they quick to deflect and dismiss?
If you’re met with jokes, if they minimize, or place responsibility solely on you, that confirms the emotional disconnect, and it’s something that cannot be healed by you trying harder. Although I cannot advise you on what you should do next with that discovery, I’ll leave you with this: do not make any rational decisions until you’ve thought everything through with a clear mind and understanding of what your decision will look like after you make it.
You deserve to feel wanted without begging, you deserve intimacy that feels alive, not obligatory, and you deserve a person who sees you.
After all, it’s Christmas time, a time of love, laughter, joy, and togetherness.
Coaching Elevated 