Coaching Elevated

Tag: mental-health

  • When Abuse Makes You Question Yourself

    There comes a time in healing where the pain isn’t loud anymore- it’s confusing.

    It leaves you sitting with a heavy question: Am I doing something to cause this?

    I’ve asked myself this question more times that I can count during my lifetime.

    After being on the receiving end of emotional and verbal abuse for years-especially from people who were supposed to protect me, I started searching for what I must be doing wrong. Not because I wanted to blame myself, but because I wanted it to stop. When harm keeps coming from different directions, self-doubt feels logical. But here’s what I’ve learned.

    Emotional abusive behavior doesn’t come from what you did, it comes from what someone else refuses to face.

    Abuse often shows up as blame-shifting, rewriting history, character attacks, and spiritual manipulation. It sounds like “you’re the problem”. It leaves you questioning your worth. It’s a form of control.

    I’m realizing my willingness to self-reflect makes me a target. When I care about my growth, accountability, and healing, people who avoid those things can feel exposed by your presence.

    They attack you. They project. They defect. They accuse. And slowly if you’re not careful, you start carrying shame that was never yours to begin with.

    Here’s the truth I’m holding onto now. People who are emotionally healthy don’t repeatedly tear others down. People who love you don’t humiliate you. People who want reconciliation seek repair, not destruction.

    For me it’s not what people say that hurts as much as their denial does. My lived experience being dismissed. My pain being rewritten and my character being attacked with no accountability. If there’s one thing I can tell you is this – emotionally abusive behavior escalates when you stop agreeing with someone else’s version of reality. When you stop agreeing and entertaining it your intelligence is questioned, your mental health is mocked, your faith is attacked or used against you and lastly, your life is picked apart and thrown back at you as proof that you had no right to speak. Sometimes the way to break a cycle that never wanted to change is to distance yourself, cut off association and pray for the infected person.

    Setting boundaries doesn’t mean I’m dishonoring anyone. It means I’m honoring the life God entrusted to me. I’m learning that silence can be safety. Distance can be love and walking away from abuse is not rejection, its wisdom.

    If you’ve ever questioned yourself because someone else couldn’t control their anger, take accountability, or speak with love-hear this…. You are not the cause of someone else’s cruelty. If you’ve made them aware of their behavior and how their choices have affected your life and they try to rewrite your lived experience, it’s time to back away however you choose to do so. Your decision is to protect you from further harm.

  • The Root of Relational Problems

    When a person lacks emotional availability, affection, warmth, attunement, intentional intimacy, desire, pursuit, validation, emotional safety, and reciprocity. There will be tension in any relationship.

    Why?

    They are emotionally distant, disengaged, and not attuned to your inner self. They lack physical touch, tenderness, and reassurance. They fail to notice you, your appearance, your efforts, your milestones, and your needs. Sex becomes a chore without foreplay, passion, or connection, making it feel transactional rather than bonding. There’s no active pursuit of you, which is essential for developing intimacy. When they give compliments, it’s often only after you’ve said something, so they don’t feel like genuine expressions of desire. They just react. We also can’t forget the joking, coldness, dismissiveness, or ignoring, which further creates distance and insecurity. A simple touch matters, and affection and connection do too, but if it’s not reciprocated, that love begins to feel empty. 

    If what I described is something you’re experiencing, it’s important to understand the patterns because they often point to a person’s emotional immaturity, avoidant attachment, low emotional intelligence, sexual disengagement, relational complacency, and unresolved internal issues such as stress, resentment, shame, depression, addiction, identity confusion, and much more.

    The person receiving this kind of behavior may start to question their worth, crave attention, passion, and connection outside the relationship, and become emotionally vulnerable to outside validation.  All are valid, but I place more emphasis on the last part because that is a strong warning sign, not a failure on the person who is thinking and feeling it.

    So, here’s the thing: if this sounds like you, you’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for the basics, especially for married people. Affection, desire, attention, passion, and presence. These are foundational. You’re not crazy, you’re responding to being unseen and neglected, avoided and possibly incompatible.

    If this is you, you may be wondering how to address this. Well, I’m glad you asked before your heart drifts elsewhere or resentment deepens. There needs to be a direct, serious, non-joking conversation that takes place. A clear, straight-to-the-point conversation about how it is affecting you emotionally and spiritually, and your boundaries around what you will and will not continue to accept. Pay close attention to how they respond. Do they respond with willingness to self-reflect on their behaviors, actions, and your feelings, or are they quick to deflect and dismiss?

    If you’re met with jokes, if they minimize, or place responsibility solely on you, that confirms the emotional disconnect, and it’s something that cannot be healed by you trying harder. Although I cannot advise you on what you should do next with that discovery, I’ll leave you with this: do not make any rational decisions until you’ve thought everything through with a clear mind and understanding of what your decision will look like after you make it.

    You deserve to feel wanted without begging, you deserve intimacy that feels alive, not obligatory, and you deserve a person who sees you.

    After all, it’s Christmas time, a time of love, laughter, joy, and togetherness.