There comes a time in healing where the pain isn’t loud anymore- it’s confusing.
It leaves you sitting with a heavy question: Am I doing something to cause this?
I’ve asked myself this question more times that I can count during my lifetime.
After being on the receiving end of emotional and verbal abuse for years-especially from people who were supposed to protect me, I started searching for what I must be doing wrong. Not because I wanted to blame myself, but because I wanted it to stop. When harm keeps coming from different directions, self-doubt feels logical. But here’s what I’ve learned.
Emotional abusive behavior doesn’t come from what you did, it comes from what someone else refuses to face.
Abuse often shows up as blame-shifting, rewriting history, character attacks, and spiritual manipulation. It sounds like “you’re the problem”. It leaves you questioning your worth. It’s a form of control.
I’m realizing my willingness to self-reflect makes me a target. When I care about my growth, accountability, and healing, people who avoid those things can feel exposed by your presence.
They attack you. They project. They defect. They accuse. And slowly if you’re not careful, you start carrying shame that was never yours to begin with.
Here’s the truth I’m holding onto now. People who are emotionally healthy don’t repeatedly tear others down. People who love you don’t humiliate you. People who want reconciliation seek repair, not destruction.
For me it’s not what people say that hurts as much as their denial does. My lived experience being dismissed. My pain being rewritten and my character being attacked with no accountability. If there’s one thing I can tell you is this – emotionally abusive behavior escalates when you stop agreeing with someone else’s version of reality. When you stop agreeing and entertaining it your intelligence is questioned, your mental health is mocked, your faith is attacked or used against you and lastly, your life is picked apart and thrown back at you as proof that you had no right to speak. Sometimes the way to break a cycle that never wanted to change is to distance yourself, cut off association and pray for the infected person.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean I’m dishonoring anyone. It means I’m honoring the life God entrusted to me. I’m learning that silence can be safety. Distance can be love and walking away from abuse is not rejection, its wisdom.
If you’ve ever questioned yourself because someone else couldn’t control their anger, take accountability, or speak with love-hear this…. You are not the cause of someone else’s cruelty. If you’ve made them aware of their behavior and how their choices have affected your life and they try to rewrite your lived experience, it’s time to back away however you choose to do so. Your decision is to protect you from further harm.
Coaching Elevated 